I admit my phone manners are bad.How bad?Well I tend not to answer my phone even though I see it ringing.No its not necessarily because of my dislike of the person calling me, it rarely is because I seldom get calls from anyone else than my close friends and family. So why you’d think. it is because I only get calls from close friend and family I end up talking to them for like hours , literally hours!!So I don’t answer their calls if I think I don’t have few hours to expend. And I secretly prided myself thinking I must be a hell of a good {conversationist}! But all that came to an end yesterday.I got a call from a friend and we talked for about a hour and a half.Our conversation ended when she told me that I should probably be getting late for bed.I wasn’t it was just 9:30.Then I realized it be about time she went to bed as she is in the east coast and an hour ahead of me.So I hung up the phone and called back another friend whose call I had {missed} earlier.So we talked for about another hour and a half and he tells me its time for him to cook dinner.Okay at around 11PM! Well he simply might be used to having late dinner but it really set me thinking was it me?Am I the reason only my close friends call me?Am I the reason people suggest me to go to bed at 9:30 PM or start cooking their dinner at 11PM? Well I have been trying to recover from my recent realization since yesterday night.So what did I do today?Skyped for about 3 hrs with a very close friend until her internet started to drop out really frequently!! Oh there is another reason why I should get a job.Really soon!!
Love trumps all
For quiet a while now, I have found my view on love and money change.Growing up a hopeless romantic the last few years of uncertainty and hardship kind of brought me down to reality and in real world it seemed love is just an illusion, people eat, drink, think, and marry money, success.And for a while there I believed I was wrong and that I had in the name of love made some poor choices.But not today, I know I was right all the way and was just being foolish to ever doubt the value of love. I now understand how when one reaches the absolute bottom is when one finds out what really matters and now as I lay here totally defeated, battered and tired I can still say I am hopeful and that is all because of love.
Would you go on TV to share your personal problems?
One thing about being unemployed is you get to watch tv series you’d never have watched before.And that’s exactly what I have been doing nowadays.I watched Anderson Cooper yesterday am watching Dr.Drew today. Watching people discuss their personal life so openly, so publicly just amazes me. I hope all these is sending some message out there, helping someone deal with their situation but still I just can not think about going so public about my personal stuff, heck I cannot even think about talking about such personal stuff with my close friends. And just to make sure I am not saying I would keep quiet if anything bad happens to me, I would seek help, and if any one come to me to for help in such condition I’d definetly help as much as I could, but hey I don’t want the world to know who I choose to be with, if I cheated on my innocent husband, if I need my husband to do better in bed, oh I surely don’t want people to analyze , criticise or even acccept or approve my love or sex life!
Plastic Surgery
Dr.Drew on my TV talking aout plastic surgery.This lady has done more than 100 surgeries on her and doesn’t find anything wrong with it. I don’t either! why do we care so much about these trivial personal cases??Okay not trivial 100 plastic surgeries are not that by any means but isn’t that her own decision?Who are we to decide what is good for her? She is not going after strangers with a scalpel in her hand, for god’s sake.I agree its not a healthy thing to do but its her life her money, her body. I would have some surgeries on myself if I had the money.
Summit
I have been dreaming of Summit for the past couple nights now. Whenever I have his dreams it feels strange, it makes me happy, a bit sad but I feel loved the most. I know it sounds crazy coming from a girl who loves her husband as much as I do and it makes me feel guilty but at the same time I can’t lie to myself. When Summit was in the hospital I had debated so much whether or not to let him know how I used to feel about him.I was in a steady relationship then and anyways what I had for Summit was so much in the past we were kids then and I doubt if Summit ever even saw me the way I wanted him to see me. Back then I thought I was in love with him. Nothing happened and I thought so about many other guys well a couple more. But first love or not ,I still think what I had for Summit is special. I don’t want my life now to be any different but I wish things with Summit were a bit different. I don’t know what I am wishing for here but I’d be much happier if I had known him more closely.i don’t know if spirits can hear or read our thoughts but for now I want them to and if you are hearing this Summit I miss you, all of your friends do.
My strict parents to my confidant, my friends!
When I tell stories of my childhood, the usual responses are “Oh poor you , you did not have any fun” to ” You know with such strict upbringing kids usually go the wrong way” to “oh sorry to hear that, I cannot imagine being so controlled.” Hey I turned out fine, am doing good and oh yes I did have tons of fun as a kid more than the normal share. With such strict upbringing no doubt I wasn’t much of a fan of my parents back then.I used to envy my friends whose parents would allow them go alone to parties, sleepovers and let them eat anything they please from samosa to titaura.I always thought their parents were so cool and was ashamed of my parents and would blame everything on them.Like when my cousins started job as marketing reps and earned money while they were pretty young and had gazillions of friends and I only had my room filled with novels and 50rs/week income(pocket money from my parents) , I blamed my parents.For they had not let me out on my own and I was too introvert, too shy to make friends and had no confidence . I don’t blame them anymore but I still think that’s what happened to me. But I am not sure if the outcome would have been much different if I was allowed as much freedom as my friends and cousins.
I’ll always remember my mother saying that she’ll take care of me and I will in return have to be under her control entirely till I turn 20.Then she’d let me do whatever I wanted, I’d be free.Oh how I waited to be 20!!Just to give you an idea of how strict our parents were, we weren’t allowed to watch TV except for News, Mahabharat, Bishwa ghatana and some pakistani serials later on. When we were done with our final exams each year my father would bring us 5 movies and we could watch it over whatever period of time we wanted, be it in a single day or spread it over a week, but that was it not one more than 5.And at the dinner table we weren’t allowed to utter a single word, well except for my mom , she’d always wanted to know how good the food was and how and why she made whatever she made for dinner and we’d just nod to show our agreement.I’ll write about her food some other time. We always had a domestic help at home but we had to do all of our own stuffs from cleaning the room to laundry.I did get a fair share of smacking too, but we dared not cry for we knew crying meant more smacking. When our mischief’s were caught we’d be given a chance to explain, though we never had any explanation , none that would satisfy them anyways.Well that’s how we were Brought up.
Fast forward about a decade , everything changed.I don’t remember when it started, but looking back I realize I made all the major decisions of my life myself. My parents had allowed me to be what and who I wanted to be. They never forced their decision on me , they did not tell me what I should be in life and when I choose to be a veterinarian and everyone frowned at my decision and tried to convince me that I will never be able to be as famous or rich being a veterianarian as being a doctor, my parents encouraged me , they told me tales of how I used to tell everyone I would be a ‘kukur ko doctor’ even as a kid. When I was about to leave for college my mom came upto my room and we had a long long chat.She told me that she knew things would be very different for me there, and that I would meet a lot of different people, and there’ll be guys who’ll show interest in me but most importantly there might be some one I’ll be interested in. She said its just natural to feel that way but she wanted me to remember to be cautious and think twice before taking any step.Well I went to the college and I did meet someone I was interested in, then fell in love with and now am married to. But at the time when most of my friends would lie and hide it with their parents, one broke up his relation rather than face his/her parents,one who tried for years to convince their parents, I never had to lie. Not that I told them about it the first chance I had, I did not, not until a long time. But I never lied I’d tell them where I was going and whom I was going with all the time. I assumed they knew and preferred not to hear it then.But when I told them about us they were happy so happy for me. Not once did they question if he was right for me , there was no what ifs, I knew they trusted me. And for that alone I am so thankful. Nowadays slowly but surely what once used to be a strict parent child relation is turning into a fun, comfortable friendship.If given a chance would I want to change anything from my childhood,probably not.I can’t say absolutely here for I don’t know.But I am happy with what I am now, I feel I was brought up to be strong and self dependent.
I will survive
Things have not been really good, heck they’ve been really bad.I have feared, whined, complained, struggled and fought my demons for a year and a half now. but I know I need to survive, I want to , I have reasons to survive.I cannot let my demons win.
